10 Pieces Of Really Bad Divorce Advice

  • By Gabriel Morales
  • 04 Aug, 2017
1. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

I’ve never liked this phrase. What it is basically saying is, don’t take time to grieve, just jump into something else to put a Band-Aid on your broken heart. Even worse, jump into casual sex so you can feel empty and even more sad. The thing is, I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to be a saint, and I do think new relationships take our minds off stressful and scary problems we have in life, but I think people need time to process what happened before jumping into a relationship. There is no timeframe, it is different for everyone. But for the most part, you don’t get over someone in a divorce by becoming involved with someone else. And regarding the casual sex, there is no worse way to lower already very low self-esteem, (which is low due to the fact that you are going through a divorce).

2. Wait at least a year before dating after divorce.
After what I just said in point #1, it might appear that I am contradicting myself. Here’s why I’m not. Most people going through a divorce have been unhappy and felt alone/lonely for a long, long time. In other words, they didn’t just wake up and decide to get divorced. The problems most likely began years earlier. So, what are some reasons people date? For companionship, friendship, fun… and isn’t that perfect for someone in this situation? Should a person sit home alone and think about the divorce until the one-year mark? Definitely not. If they choose to do so that is completely understandable. But no one should tell someone how long to wait before dating after divorce.

3. Don’t let your ex-wife (or ex-husband) into your home.
Not only is this driving home the point that you are bitter and angry and resentful and childish, but you are greatly affecting your children if you shut the door to your new place on your ex. Don’t you think your kids want to show the other parent where they are sleeping? (Especially young kids.) I think it’s really really sick to let your bitterness and hatred affect the kids in this way. It says a lot about a person.

4. Don’t date until you are officially divorced.
People who judge others for dating before their divorce papers are signed are ridiculous. They are usually married (have not gone through a divorce) so they don’t understand that every case is different. Some people separate because they want to try being apart. Some people separate and feel like they are already divorced at that point. The only thing I would suggest is being honest when dating, and telling someone you are not technically divorced.

5. Act like you aren’t interested and it will make a guy more attracted to you.
This might be good advice if you are in middle school, but games don’t work in dating after divorce or when older. I find that most people over 40 appreciate honesty and authenticity. I also find that if the situation is right, and you act interested in someone, he or she will actually be more interested in you.

6. Don’t ever get married again.
This divorce advice almost always comes from married people who have never gone through a divorce, who also say, “If I ever got divorced, I’d never get married again.” To which I reply, “Every married person says that.” Also, I think some people who give this advice are unhappily married and wish they were you. I truly believe in happy endings and fairytales, and if you are the type of person who enjoyed marriage and monogamy, then I say go for it, but only if the situation and the person feels right. No fooling yourself this time!

7. Move on and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
People going through a divorce need time to process and grieve and accept and heal. Part of that is having a few pity parties. You are fully entitled. Be angry that it happened to you. Be devastated. Be really upset. You can even play the victim (but only for a short time.) Feeling sorry for yourself is part of the grieving process in divorce, and if you go through that, you will start to be able to move on. Moving on is a lot easier said than done. There are certain aspects of my divorce that I just recently realized after 9 years that I hadn’t moved on from until recently. Moving on is different for everyone. When you do it is up to you.

8. Anger is for losers.
This was the title of a blog post I wrote a long time ago. I completely disagree with myself. Over the years I have grown and realized that anger is actually healthy. It’s OK to be completely pissed off by what happened. Feel it. This way you can accept and be at peace with it. Just don’t hold onto it for too long. At some point, it needs to be let go.

9. You’re not getting any younger, you need to meet someone and you need to treat it like a full time job.
The only part about this divorce advice that is accurate is the first part. I’m aging. Yikes. But why does a person who is dating after divorce need to meet someone? We don’t. Finding love again should be looked at as a blissful gift that might have been unexpected and is certainly appreciated. But do we NEED to meet someone? Nope. This is a time in life to enjoy. If that includes falling in love and getting married again, great. If not, that should be OK too.

10. Happy endings are only for movies.
Bullshit. I’ve seen enough real people who got divorced and are now really, really happy. It didn’t happen overnight, and the people probably really worked on themselves and made good decisions, didn’t rush into things. But fairytales are alive and well. Believe that. If you want it, you can have it too.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/10-pieces-of-really-bad-divorce-advice_us_57c6ccbce4b07addc40ff6...

By Gabriel Morales 24 Oct, 2017

By Susan Saper Galamba

Statistics show that alcohol is the number one drug problem in the United States. It also tends to be a big problem in divorces.

There has been a significant increase in cases in the last two or three years in which I have seen one spouse claim that the other spouse abused alcohol. Generally, the spouse I meet with claims that his or her spouse is an alcoholic. As I’m not a teetotaler, I never just accept the claim at face value; rather, I always inquire into the details of the allegations. The fact that someone has a drink every day does not mean he or she is an alcoholic. However, when a person’s dependency on alcohol results in problems with interpersonal relationships, an inability to control alcohol consumption and a disregard of the damage that the alcohol is doing to the spouse and the family, the reality is that there is an issue of alcohol dependency.

Alcoholism is the monster in the closet. It is the “thing” for which spouses and children make excuses to keep the monster hidden. What is often the most difficult aspect of divorce for the spouse of an alcoholic is opening the door to the closet and letting the monster come out. This “thing” that the spouse has hidden so well will now have to be proven in court to protect the children. A spouse’s alcoholism may not be an issue if minor children are not part of a divorce; however, it is a significant issue when minor children are involved.

Generally, there is a huge amount of guilt involved when the spouse of an alcoholic seriously considers divorce, especially when what the spouse really wants is for the alcoholic to seek help. Whether a spouse is an alcoholic or not, one of the hardest lessons to learn is that the only person you can control is yourself, and if an alcoholic refuses to help him or herself, you have to protect yourself and your children. If you are considering divorce and are married to someone who is dependent on alcohol, you have to stop covering it up. This doesn’t mean you should start making overt statements about your spouse’s problems with alcohol, but rather you should not hide it. If your spouse’s alcohol abuse is going to be an issue in your case, you will have to be able to prove it, but if no one knows about it, how are you going to prove it? Taking a picture of all of the empty beer cans in the trash isn’t going to do the trick. Think about it this way: the picture doesn’t prove your spouse actually drank all the beers in the trash. Conversely, how are you going to refute the allegation that you bought the beers and are merely setting him or her up? However, if you have friends or family members who can substantiate the alcohol abuse, have videos that document the behavior or have other evidence that corroborates your allegations, you are going to be in a much better position when you file for divorce.

It’s also important to seek the assistance of a mental health professional for yourself and children, if applicable. You will most likely have plenty of blame thrown at you from your alcoholic spouse, including being the cause of his or her need for alcohol. The input you receive from a mental health professional will allow you to process what’s happening without having your guilt control your reaction. It will also allow your children the opportunity to freely express themselves without the concern that they are being disloyal to the other parent.

A frequent obstacle in the pursuit of divorce is the non-alcoholic spouse’s concern about the alcoholic spouse having parenting time with the children. It is this exact reason that you will need proof of the spouse’s alcohol abuse. Courts are supposed to make decisions based on the best interests of minor children, which includes the children’s safety and overall well being. If you have evidence of current alcohol abuse that would endanger the safety of your child, the likelihood is extremely good that there will be restrictions on the alcoholic spouse’s parenting time.

The essential component in these situations is exposing the monster and being able to prove that the spouse’s alcohol dependency endangers the safety of the child. Your word is not going to be enough long-term. I can also assure you that an alcohol dependent spouse who is unwilling to get help will either deny or downplay his or her alcohol consumption. Even when a spouse is arrested for driving under the influence (DUI) or public intoxication, the claim will be made that the children weren’t with him or her and away from danger. It is in these types of situations that you need to be able to prove that the DUI is merely an example of the alcohol dependent spouse’s poor decision making, and offer additional evidence regarding instances when the children’s safety was at risk.

The decision to dissolve your marriage to someone who you have always protected and whose monster you have kept hidden in the closet is unbelievably difficult. However, the fear of not knowing what will happen when you open the closet door shouldn’t prevent you from protecting yourself and your children.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-saper-galamba/the-relationship-between-_3_b_2577492.html

By Gabriel Morales 10 Sep, 2017

On Sept. 5, 2017, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) initiated the orderly phase out of the program known as Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA). DHS will provide a limited, six-month window during which it will consider certain requests for DACA and applications for work authorization, under specific parameters. Read the memorandum from Acting DHS Secretary Elaine Duke for details.

Next Steps for Phasing Out DACA

All DACA benefits are provided on a two-year basis, so individuals who currently have DACA will be allowed to retain both DACA and their work authorizations (EADs) until they expire.

USCIS will adjudicate, on an individual, case by case basis:

Properly filed pending DACA initial requests and associated applications for employment authorization documents (EADs) that have been accepted as of Sept. 5, 2017.
Properly filed pending DACA renewal requests and associated applications for EADs from current beneficiaries that have been accepted as of the date of this memorandum, and from current beneficiaries whose benefits will expire between Sept. 5, 2017 and March 5, 2018 that have been accepted as of Oct. 5, 2017.
Individuals who have not submitted an application by Sept. 5, for an initial request under DACA may no longer apply. USCIS will reject all applications for initial requests received after Sept. 5.

Source: https://www.uscis.gov/daca2017

By Gabriel Morales 08 Sep, 2017

FEBRUARY 21, 2017

Facing a divorce is confusing.
You are approaching an unfamiliar process. Have you heard about divorce mediation? Here is my summary of the divorce mediation process.

I work with both husband and wife together.
You don’t need to be on the same page regarding the resolution of your divorce matters. You do need to be in agreement to voluntarily walk into the room and participate in the mediation process. It is my job to help guide you toward a Marital Settlement Agreement that is equitable to both parties. I provide information about the relevant law from a neutral perspective. The process includes both spouses and me, your attorney mediator, in the mediation room, but you may each consult with separate attorneys any time you want, before or during the mediation process.

What are the benefits? Money is a big one.
Mediation is significantly less expensive than the courtroom battle of litigation. We use a set fee rather than a retainer and hourly rate as is traditional in the legal field. I cannot estimate a specific fee until I meet with both of you during the complimentary consultation in order to know what your issues are and the resulting number of mediation sessions that will be required to complete your divorce process, but I will tell you that the set fee tends to be lower than the initial retainer you would each be quoted from a litigator.

Time is another advantage.
The duration of mediation is measured in months rather than years.

Mediation is more constructive and respectful.
The nature of litigation can become a cycle of negativity. Generally divorcing spouses don’t agree on the resolution of the issues when you begin the mediation process and working toward resolution is a much healthier path through a mediated divorce.

Source: http://newhopedivorcemediation.com/divorce-mediation-work/

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