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What is a Summary Dissolution ?

Fri, 10 Jul 2020 17:05:05 GMT

What is a Summary Dissolution (AKA: “Express Divorce”)?

A Summary Dissolution, also known as the “Express Divorce” is the most cost-effective way to get divorced as long as you and your spouse meet the below requirements. Unlike the typical divorce process, which tends to be more complicated and could cost you thousands of dollars, the “Express Divorce” requires less paperwork and there is only a one-time filing fee with the Court. The traditional divorce process requires two initial filing fees.

Do I qualify for an “Express Divorce”?

If you are considering an “express divorce”, here is a list of the requirements that you and your spouse must satisfy in order to qualify for a summary dissolution:

At least one of the parties has lived in California for at least 6 months, and has lived in the county you want to file in for at least 3 months.
Have been married for less than 5 years (from the date you got married to the date you separated);
Have no children together born or adopted before or during the marriage (and you are not expecting a new child now);
Do not own any part of land or buildings;
Do not rent any land or buildings (except for where you now live, as long as you do not have a 1-year lease or option to buy);
Do not owe more than $6,000 for debts acquired since the date you got married (excluding vehicles)
Have less than $45,000 worth of property acquired during the marriage (excluding vehicles)
Do not have separate property worth more than $45,000 (excluding vehicles)
Agree that neither spouse will ever get spousal support; AND
Both parties will be willing to sign an agreement that divides your property (including your cars) and debts

If you do meet the above requirements, call our office at (760)500-5355 to schedule a free consultation. While many professionals offer their services at hourly rates, we offer our services at a FLAT RATE. At My Legal Assistant, we strive to make our professional legal services affordable to all.

Disclaimer: We are not attorneys. We cannot give legal advice. The above information is for informational purposes only.

FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIMS, THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE IN THE WORLD IS THEIR OWN HOME

Fri, 10 Apr 2020 00:50:46 GMT

In the time of the coronavirus, being quarantined with an abusive partner poses greater risks. Fortunately, the San Diego Superior Court (including Vista Courthouse) remains open for Domestic Violence cases. If you or anyone you know needs a restraining order, call our office at (760)500-5355 to inquire more information.

Victims ordinarily wait to be by themselves before they seek help. They wait for their abuser to go to work. They secretly reach out to friends. They look for openings when they don’t have child-care obligations. All those options are closing down.

Where do I get help?

People who are surviving violence in their relationships and families may be experiencing increased isolation and danger caused by social distancing measures during the Coronavirus pandemic. Survivors often have specific needs around safety, health and confidentiality. We also realize that people who are already more vulnerable to economic and health insecurity are facing additional challenges during this unprecedented time.

At My Legal Assistant, we have compiled resources and tools for the domestic violence and will make arrangements to meet in virtually or in person to assist you with a Restraining Order and have it ready the same day if you need one.

DID YOU LOSE YOUR JOB DUE TO THE COVID-19?

Thu, 02 Apr 2020 21:19:48 GMT

What if I can no longer afford to pay child support or spousal support?

If your ability and opportunity to earn has been affected by the COVID-19, without a doubt, it will have an impact on the amount of support you pay or receive. If this is your case, we can run a support calculation to come up with the new child and spousal support amount. Once both parties are on the same page, we can draft a temporary agreement for the new support amount and we can make it effective immediately; this way you don’t have to wait months to see a judge to change your existing court orders. Please note, that at the moment, the Vista Courthouse is currently closed for non-emergency matters, but it should not be a problem if you both sign the agreement with the new terms.

The Relationship Between Alcoholism And Divorce

gabriel@mylegalassistants.com (Gabriel Morales) — Tue, 24 Oct 2017 00:00:00 GMT

By Susan Saper Galamba

Statistics show that alcohol is the number one drug problem in the United States. It also tends to be a big problem in divorces.

There has been a significant increase in cases in the last two or three years in which I have seen one spouse claim that the other spouse abused alcohol. Generally, the spouse I meet with claims that his or her spouse is an alcoholic. As I’m not a teetotaler, I never just accept the claim at face value; rather, I always inquire into the details of the allegations. The fact that someone has a drink every day does not mean he or she is an alcoholic. However, when a person’s dependency on alcohol results in problems with interpersonal relationships, an inability to control alcohol consumption and a disregard of the damage that the alcohol is doing to the spouse and the family, the reality is that there is an issue of alcohol dependency.

Alcoholism is the monster in the closet. It is the “thing” for which spouses and children make excuses to keep the monster hidden. What is often the most difficult aspect of divorce for the spouse of an alcoholic is opening the door to the closet and letting the monster come out. This “thing” that the spouse has hidden so well will now have to be proven in court to protect the children. A spouse’s alcoholism may not be an issue if minor children are not part of a divorce; however, it is a significant issue when minor children are involved.

Generally, there is a huge amount of guilt involved when the spouse of an alcoholic seriously considers divorce, especially when what the spouse really wants is for the alcoholic to seek help. Whether a spouse is an alcoholic or not, one of the hardest lessons to learn is that the only person you can control is yourself, and if an alcoholic refuses to help him or herself, you have to protect yourself and your children. If you are considering divorce and are married to someone who is dependent on alcohol, you have to stop covering it up. This doesn’t mean you should start making overt statements about your spouse’s problems with alcohol, but rather you should not hide it. If your spouse’s alcohol abuse is going to be an issue in your case, you will have to be able to prove it, but if no one knows about it, how are you going to prove it? Taking a picture of all of the empty beer cans in the trash isn’t going to do the trick. Think about it this way: the picture doesn’t prove your spouse actually drank all the beers in the trash. Conversely, how are you going to refute the allegation that you bought the beers and are merely setting him or her up? However, if you have friends or family members who can substantiate the alcohol abuse, have videos that document the behavior or have other evidence that corroborates your allegations, you are going to be in a much better position when you file for divorce.

It’s also important to seek the assistance of a mental health professional for yourself and children, if applicable. You will most likely have plenty of blame thrown at you from your alcoholic spouse, including being the cause of his or her need for alcohol. The input you receive from a mental health professional will allow you to process what’s happening without having your guilt control your reaction. It will also allow your children the opportunity to freely express themselves without the concern that they are being disloyal to the other parent.

A frequent obstacle in the pursuit of divorce is the non-alcoholic spouse’s concern about the alcoholic spouse having parenting time with the children. It is this exact reason that you will need proof of the spouse’s alcohol abuse. Courts are supposed to make decisions based on the best interests of minor children, which includes the children’s safety and overall well being. If you have evidence of current alcohol abuse that would endanger the safety of your child, the likelihood is extremely good that there will be restrictions on the alcoholic spouse’s parenting time.

The essential component in these situations is exposing the monster and being able to prove that the spouse’s alcohol dependency endangers the safety of the child. Your word is not going to be enough long-term. I can also assure you that an alcohol dependent spouse who is unwilling to get help will either deny or downplay his or her alcohol consumption. Even when a spouse is arrested for driving under the influence (DUI) or public intoxication, the claim will be made that the children weren’t with him or her and away from danger. It is in these types of situations that you need to be able to prove that the DUI is merely an example of the alcohol dependent spouse’s poor decision making, and offer additional evidence regarding instances when the children’s safety was at risk.

The decision to dissolve your marriage to someone who you have always protected and whose monster you have kept hidden in the closet is unbelievably difficult. However, the fear of not knowing what will happen when you open the closet door shouldn’t prevent you from protecting yourself and your children.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-saper-galamba/the-relationship-between-_3_b_2577492.html

Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals 2017 Announcement

gabriel@mylegalassistants.com (Gabriel Morales) — Sun, 10 Sep 2017 00:00:00 GMT

On Sept. 5, 2017, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) initiated the orderly phase out of the program known as Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA). DHS will provide a limited, six-month window during which it will consider certain requests for DACA and applications for work authorization, under specific parameters. Read the memorandum from Acting DHS Secretary Elaine Duke for details.

Next Steps for Phasing Out DACA

All DACA benefits are provided on a two-year basis, so individuals who currently have DACA will be allowed to retain both DACA and their work authorizations (EADs) until they expire.

USCIS will adjudicate, on an individual, case by case basis:

Properly filed pending DACA initial requests and associated applications for employment authorization documents (EADs) that have been accepted as of Sept. 5, 2017.
Properly filed pending DACA renewal requests and associated applications for EADs from current beneficiaries that have been accepted as of the date of this memorandum, and from current beneficiaries whose benefits will expire between Sept. 5, 2017 and March 5, 2018 that have been accepted as of Oct. 5, 2017.
Individuals who have not submitted an application by Sept. 5, for an initial request under DACA may no longer apply. USCIS will reject all applications for initial requests received after Sept. 5.

Source: https://www.uscis.gov/daca2017

How Does Divorce Mediation Work?

gabriel@mylegalassistants.com (Gabriel Morales) — Fri, 08 Sep 2017 00:00:00 GMT

BY MINDEY ELGART
FEBRUARY 21, 2017

Facing a divorce is confusing.
You are approaching an unfamiliar process. Have you heard about divorce mediation? Here is my summary of the divorce mediation process.

I work with both husband and wife together.
You don’t need to be on the same page regarding the resolution of your divorce matters. You do need to be in agreement to voluntarily walk into the room and participate in the mediation process. It is my job to help guide you toward a Marital Settlement Agreement that is equitable to both parties. I provide information about the relevant law from a neutral perspective. The process includes both spouses and me, your attorney mediator, in the mediation room, but you may each consult with separate attorneys any time you want, before or during the mediation process.

What are the benefits? Money is a big one.
Mediation is significantly less expensive than the courtroom battle of litigation. We use a set fee rather than a retainer and hourly rate as is traditional in the legal field. I cannot estimate a specific fee until I meet with both of you during the complimentary consultation in order to know what your issues are and the resulting number of mediation sessions that will be required to complete your divorce process, but I will tell you that the set fee tends to be lower than the initial retainer you would each be quoted from a litigator.

Time is another advantage.
The duration of mediation is measured in months rather than years.

Mediation is more constructive and respectful.
The nature of litigation can become a cycle of negativity. Generally divorcing spouses don’t agree on the resolution of the issues when you begin the mediation process and working toward resolution is a much healthier path through a mediated divorce.

Source: http://newhopedivorcemediation.com/divorce-mediation-work/

The Top Three Big Divorce Expenses

gabriel@mylegalassistants.com (Gabriel Morales) — Wed, 06 Sep 2017 00:00:00 GMT

By: Samantha Donaldson
May 03, 2017

Learn and Prepare for Your Divorce Expenses

Getting married can be one of the most magical experiences a person ever has. However, sometimes an “I do” simply turns into an “I don’t” and, in those trying times, the world can seem as though it’s been flipped upside down entirely, with a long list of divorce expenses.

Although a divorce may seem like something no one truly has a grip on, there are actually plenty of ways to prepare for the big expenses ahead of you and be ready to take them on when they arrive. However, the best way to be prepared for a divorce is simply by knowing what these expenses ahead of you are, and how much they actually cost in the long run. From there, you can enter the single world in a much better place, without winding up broke in the process.

Divorce Litigation or Mediation Expenses

Although litigation is actually a far more common approach with divorce, mediation may be a far cheaper and more effective way to handle the situation. During a litigation, two attorneys are paid to negotiate, and possibly go to trial, in order to defend the personal belongings each party feels they are entitled to. However, in a mediation, a neutral third party works through decisions with the couple to come to an agreement.

The main reason for mediation being a wonderful alternative to the traditional method of litigation is simply the drastic reduction of costs which come into play. An average litigation could cost up to $50,000 whereas a mediation only tends to cost a few thousand in comparison. If you and your ex are on speaking terms and can talk through your possessions in a calm and collected manner, then mediation is a wonderful way to avoid those initial divorce costs and leave the relationship on a positive and financially stable note.

Child Care Expenses

Although this does not apply to all individuals getting divorced, those who do have children tend to face far more divorce expenses both during and after the divorce process. In fact, whether you choose 50/50 custody, decide you either want to raise them on your own, or to not raise them at all, the divorce expenses during the case and afterwards the case can be crushing. For instance, with a 50/50 custody, you will have to pick up the child from wherever your ex chooses to live after the divorce and then take care of them for half of the year on your own. For self-employed or telecommuting individuals, this can be a pain as it means their work area is now a play area. Similarly, for individuals which work in the office, this means that day care must be provided which can cost hundreds of dollars a month depending on the city and age of the child.

Similarly, if you choose to be the primary guardian, these financial issues become permanent fixtures in your life, making you a single parent with very little money to show for it. As a single parent, you will be forced to either make enough money to pay for daycare and other child-related expenses or find alternatives through the help of the government and other aid programs. Although you will receive child support from your ex, this can still be a very difficult battle to fight, and many single parents find themselves walking on a very thin tightrope above a sea of financial instability.

Lastly, if you choose to be the secondary guardian, you will ultimately face outrageous child support expenses and the outcome of not paying these fees is jail time. In 2007, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average monthly child support cost was around $445 which, to anyone, is quite a bit of money lost. Although taking care of your children is important, these fees could possibly mean a relocation, or even finding a different job — which is not always the right decision to make. With children already facing the psychological problems a divorce tends to have, this negativity between parents over expenses and custody is far from acceptable.

Divorce Expenses with Work and Travel

With telecommuting and self employment becoming so popular, this expense is important to touch on. Although you may not work in the office every day, travel may be something your job entails. In the past, you may have been able to do this as your spouse was either able to watch the children or you had the financial padding their job may have provided to keep you afloat, even with travel expenses in mind.

In fact, although some jobs cover travelling fees, many telecommuting and self-employment opportunities do not — but the travelling aspect is still essential to the progress of either your place in the company or the company you created itself to spread the word of the company you are marketing. In these situations, you must understand and be fully prepared for the financial instability you will more than likely face after divorce, and learn how to keep track of your travelling expenses to counteract this.

For instance, if you telecommute, you may be able to deduct these annual travelling expenses when completing your taxes. If you filed for an extension, and you travelled at any period during this year, you may be able to deduct these expenses by proving that they were business-related. Similarly, you may also be able to deduct your mileage rates as well, and this simple deduction could save you quite a bit in return.

Although this may not be news to you, these simple deductions, combined with your decisions regarding child care, and whether you prefer litigation or mediation, could ultimately help you to smoothly pass through the divorce without busting your wallet in the process.

In the end, money isn’t everything, but a divorce and divorce expenses tends to focus on just that. By looking at the alternatives to these costly aspects of your divorce, you can focus the event on more important things, like learning to love again, and ensuring your children are okay as opposed to the typical resentment and depression that come along with this decision. After all, divorce is simply a transition into a better and less stressful life, whether it appears that way at the time or not. The choices you make could actually help you to set yourself free again to love and live once more.

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/top-three-big-divorce-expenses

10 Smart Back-To-School Tips For Divorced Parents

gabriel@mylegalassistants.com (Gabriel Morales) — Wed, 16 Aug 2017 00:00:00 GMT

Back-to-school season is stressful for all parents but it’s a little more complicated when you’re divorced: Who’s doing the annual trek to Target to load up on school supplies — and more importantly, who’s paying? Are both of you listed on important school forms?

To make heading back to school a little less overwhelming for you and the kiddos, we asked HuffPost Divorce bloggers and readers on Facebook to share their tried-and-true advice. Here’s what they had to say:

1. Split the cost of back-to-school supplies.

Between backpacks, calculators, school uniforms and that extra big box of Crayola crayons, your kids’ back-to-school supplies can end up costing a small fortune. To lessen the individual burden among parents, Lynsey Mattingly and her ex divvy up purchasing responsibilities.

“My ex and I always separate who’s buying what, with him buying the backpacks, lunch boxes and water bottles while I usually get the entire supply list the teachers send home,” she told us. “It comes out to about the same price and this way we are both playing to our strengths: he gets a few quality items that he’s better at picking out and I get the specific, detailed things.”

2. Create a shared Google calendar to keep everyone in the loop.

Each school year, Elizabeth Denham dutifully updates the families’ shared Google calendar with the kids’ upcoming school events. This way, no one misses back-to-school night or a holiday performance.

“For all of the really important events, I send invites through the calendar as soon as I enter the date so that I don’t have to remember to do it by phone,” she said.

3. Drop the kids off together on the first day of school.

The first day of school can be a scary, overwhelming experience for even the most confident kiddo. If at all possible, try to free up your schedules so both of you can drop the kids off and show your support, said Leah Porritt.

“On the first morning of school this year, we met before and walked our son to school together,” she said. “He had both of us there to send him off to first grade and I think that meant a lot to him — even if the normal school year mornings are a mixture of mom, dad, stepparents or before-and-after care. For his sake, we put differences aside and make an effort to both be present together.”

4. And if your ex can’t be there for day one, text a pic.

If your ex is unable to make it that first day, be generous and send him or her a pic. (You have at least 20 on your camera roll — why not share the love?)

“Texting a pic is an act of goodwill and will be greatly appreciated,” said blogger Valerie DeLoach. “And you never know — one kind act could change the whole dynamic of your current relationship.”

5. Let your kids’ teachers know who’s who in your blended family.

Your family tree likely got a lot more complicated post-divorce, especially if you or your ex remarried. Early on in the school year, fill your kids’ teachers in on who’s who in your family; that way, there’s no confusion when your child’s stepdad picks her up.

“I do it because it can be confusing for teachers to hear my son talk about his parents, stepparents and numerous siblings on either side,”said Porritt. “He’s old enough now to explain who is who, but it makes it more comfortable for him if his teacher already understands his extended and blended family situation and doesn’t need to question him!”

Another bonus of touching base with your kids’ teacher? Backpacks that are a little less heavy, said reader Carmen Poff.

“When my ex and I tell the teachers our kids have two homes, most will send home a second set of text books so they won’t have to haul them back and forth,” she said.

6. Attend parent-teacher conferences together.

Heading to parent-teacher conferences as a team — like writer Carolyn Flower does every year with her kids’ dad — sends a strong message to your children and their teachers: Regardless of what happened in the past, today we’re partners who have the kids’ best interests at heart.

“As a collaboratively divorced family, we’ve never missed a parent-teacher meeting,” Flower said. “We feel that demonstrating we are still a team shows the children and the school they are loved and supported in all they do. It plants healthy seeds for successful mindsets.”

7. If your ex lives out of state, have him or her call into the meeting.

Don’t let distance interfere with both parents taking a proactive, involved role, said Honorée Corder.

“Because my ex lives in another state, when it’s time for parent-teacher conferences, we schedule a time that works for both of us so he can be conferenced in,” she said.

8. Set times when you and your ex can debrief on your kids’ progress at school.

To ensure that no book report or soccer meet falls through the cracks, Kasey Ferris and her ex have have scheduled communication days where they discuss and update each other on their son’s life.

“Every Sunday and Wednesday there’s an email exchange where we discuss the week, any tests coming up and updates on projects that need to be completed,” she said. “Anything crucial or time-sensitive is handled via text, but everything else goes into a Sunday/Wednesday email. It’s created a lot of peace between us.”

9. Don’t leave your ex’s side out of the family tree.

Regardless of how you feel about your ex, your kids still need him or her in their lives. When there’s a family tree assignment — or a photo project that calls on family photos — rise above any bitterness and include your ex’s side of the family (yes, that includes new spouses).

“If there is a project at school that asks for family photos I always make sure that the kids try to include pictures of their mom, their mom’s partner and kids as well as my own partner and kids,” said reader Barry Fraser.

10. Create a group chat where you discuss your kids’ wins and progress.

Start a group chat that includes the parents and the kids and send texts whenever your kids ace an assignment or need a little encouragement to bring that C grade up. It’s a little communication trick that has worked wonders for blogger Emma Bathie and her family.

“The idea is to direct the reminders and notes to the kids but they’re there for both parents to see and comment on if needed,” she said. “It can also be a nice way for the parents to make positive/encouraging comments about each other in front of the kids (‘Hey Matt, I really appreciate you picking up the kids for me last night when I was stuck in a meeting and then traffic. It was really helpful!’) You’re also showing the kids you can be the grown-ups they need you to be.”

Back to School Tips After a Divorce or Separation

gabriel@mylegalassistants.com (Gabriel Morales) — Tue, 15 Aug 2017 00:00:00 GMT

BACK TO SCHOOL FLEXIBILITY AND GENEROSITY

Flexibility and generosity should always be your guiding mantra as you navigate through your shared parenting time arrangements. Human nature being what it is, your ex-spouse will be more willing to work with you instead of against you if you offer the same.

For example, Spouse A has a family gathering on a Sunday a few hours from home. In order to return the kids to Spouse B in time for the previously agreed upon parenting time transfer, the kids would have to miss the family bar-b-q dinner. This is a perfect opportunity for Spouse B to demonstrate flexibility and generosity in the children’s best interests. Understandably it’s not ideal that the children may be an hour sleep deprived for school the next day, however, they will make it through the day, albeit a bit cranky. In the grand scheme of things, the picnic and the peaceful interaction of their parents, are what will be remembered by the kids.

Now that the children are returning to school, parenting time challenges will have to be modified to fit school year activities. It is most important that the children see, feel and understand that both parents want to spend time with them and be a part of their lives, and children do not want to be the cause of their parents’ strife.

When both parents work toward ensuring that the alternate parent also has quality time with the kids, it is a winning situation for all concerned. It is, after all, quality time that counts—not an extra hour here or there. If one parent works a lot, then exercise those generous, flexibility muscles to enable that parent to spend time with the kids when he or she gets a break from the job.

Let your actions be guided by the mantra, flexibility and generosity. We should never forget that the well-being of our children is the most important part of a divorce.

By Mindey Elgart

Source: http://newhopedivorcemediation.com/back-school-flexibility-generosity/

How to talk to your children about divorce

gabriel@mylegalassistants.com (Gabriel Morales) — Mon, 14 Aug 2017 00:00:00 GMT

by Lisa Herrick, Ph.D.
Here are some general suggestions for telling the children about the divorce or separation. Research over the last five years has revealed that over 75% of divorcing parents talk to their children about this change in the family for less than ten minutes – total. This guide is meant to help YOU be one of the parents in the healthiest 25 percent. Children need to talk about this, and they need to hear about it. Even if they say they don’t want to do either.
* * * * * * * *
Tell children approximately 2-3 weeks prior to separation. Have a plan – at least the basics – before you tell them.

1. If possible talk to children together as a couple , with both parents prepared to work as a team, and convey unified caring and concern — try to prepare to do this when you are unlikely to lose temper, or become angry with each other.

2. Talk to children in a quiet space when there is nothing that needs to be done afterwards . Weekends are best — if possible at the start of a weekend so you will be around for them to talk to or be close to during the immediate days after the talk.

3. Tell their teachers the day before you tell the kids , to prepare the teachers for potential upset or acting up. Ask teachers to be sensitive, and discreet with the information – you are asking them to be understanding, but NOT to ask the children anything about it, or mention it unless the child mentions it.

4. When parents talk to the children, there are a few really important messages to repeat over and over again – during the conversation, and in the months following:

a. this is something mom and dad have decided after a long time of trying to make things work better.

b. this is an adult decision and has NOTHING to do with anything the children did or said; help the children understand they also cannot control this decision to separate/divorce by behaving “extra nicely”.

c. no one is blaming anyone else — the children are free to continue loving each parent fully without fear of betraying other parent or feeling disloyal (this may be the toughest challenge for many parents, but it is CRUCIAL if you want to protect the children from pain and maladjustment).

d. a lot of different feelings are normal — we all will feel sad, angry, worried, and maybe curious about the future — all feelings are normal – parents welcome listening to all feelings and will try to help the children no matter how they feel.

e. we are still a family – we are just changing. We will still be your mom and dad, no one is going away (as long as this is true), and mom and dad will love them as much as ever; if one parent IS moving some distance away, reassure the children that they will see that parent regularly, and explain how that might be accomplished.

5. If possible, tell them the plan — it does not need to be extremely detailed, but you should be able to tell them the basics — who will stay in the house? who will be moving out – and approximately where? If a parent is still looking at apartments/houses, it is ok to invite the children to come with you to look at the new places – if they don’t want to come, leave it alone. If a parent already has found a place, it is good to tell children where it is, and bring them over to see it within a few days. Tell them the basic plan — that they will see both parents every week, that they will see both parents every weekend – basic reassurance that they will be with Dad sometimes and with Mom sometimes, and (ideally) you will be all together sometimes for things like soccer games and celebrations (some celebrations – perhaps….but don’t promise anything you cannot deliver.)

6. For a second conversation – a few days after the first , If you know some more of the details of the plan, like “Dad will be driving you to school every day just like he does now” tell them that. Anything that is staying the same, mention and reassure them that these things will remain the SAME. The things that will be different – “Mom will be driving you to school now – we know that is DIFFERENT, but we are going to try to make that work, and Mom can do some of the same fun things that Dad did…we’ll see how it goes and you can tell us what is working, and what is not working.”

7. Be ready for any reactions – children sometimes have tantrums, cry, or say, “When is dinner?” and pretend they didn’t hear you. Some kids ask a lot of questions, and some ask nothing. The children who say nothing need to be coaxed over the coming weeks and months to talk to you, to draw pictures about it, to read books with you about it….etc. The children who ask a lot of questions need to be answered, and reassured over and over again.

8. Try not to hound the children about their feelings, but ask them a question or two every few days . For example: How are you doing with the changes in our family? How was school today…did you find yourself thinking about dad/mom moving a lot during your day in class? Was that hard? What did you do when you felt sad? Did you talk to anyone? What might help when you feel sad about it — what ideas do you have for what you can do? (talk to a friend, a teacher, the school counselor, mom, dad, sibling, aunt, cousin….draw pictures about your feelings…..get a hug from mom/dad…..punch a pillow and yell…..)

9. In a future conversation, talk to the children about what they already know, or think they know, about divorce / Do they have friends whose parents are divorced? How does it go? What are they scared of? What do those friends LIKE about it (sometimes kids will talk about how they have two Christmases and two birthday parties and it’s sort of a bonus. Even if this isn’t really what they feel, kids are interested in this aspect of divorce and it helps them think through the idea that life will go on and many things will be OK.) Help reassure them about worries that are NOT realistic (let kids know they can take some toys to the new house; that the pet will go back and forth with them perhaps, or their nanny will go back and forth, or whatever you can tell them about what will make them feel better.)

10. If parents get choked up, or cry, it is OK . Acknowledge that this is a sad event for the family, but you will all try to help each other with this, and you will all still love each other. If one parent starts to get mad, or say things that are upsetting or scary for the children, the other parent should RESCUE the situation, NOT MAKE IT WORSE — just say, Mom/Dad is really upset, and this is hard for us all. Let’s take a little break, and we’ll talk again later. I understand how hard this is for all of us. — Be forgiving, even if your spouse is not handling it well – this is for the sake of the children who may feel – initially – like the world is falling apart. You are going to try to make the world still feel safe, even if the reality as they know it is changing dramatically.

11. Let your children know you will ALL get through this – and you will . Let them know that they will be OK, and you will be OK, and you will all help each other adjust and adapt to the changes coming. If you can offer both empathy and acceptance for what your children feel, AND reassurance that even the toughest feelings will get easier over time your children will be able to recover and remain open with you about their feelings.

12. Do your best to treat your co-parent well over the next several weeks – and beyond! Your children will be watching and worrying that if you are getting a divorce, it might mean you (their parents) are going to turn into aliens, or you will behave in embarrassing ways, or you will no longer be “normal” parents and make them eat their broccoli. During the weeks and months following this difficult conversation try hard to treat your co-parent with respect and compassion, and try to keep to as many regular family routines and rituals as you can manage – even if you and your co-parent are doing many of them separately. The children will come to see that though some things are really different, some things will remain the same – and that will help them gradually recover and adjust.

An Ugly Divorce Can Affect A Child’s Long-Term Health

gabriel@mylegalassistants.com (Gabriel Morales) — Wed, 09 Aug 2017 00:00:00 GMT

When Alexis Moore was three years old, she was thrown into the center of an ugly custody battle. Lawyers argued over her fate as she watched in silent horror. “My voice was never heard,” Moore, remembers. “I became nothing more than a pawn in a game of cat and mouse between my parents and the courts.” Moore is now an attorney and advocate in Sacramento. She believes that the weeks and months of sustained childhood stress took its toll. “I was diagnosed with an ulcer when I was 16, and stress was a contributing factor,” she says. “It was never said to be from the divorce, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand the toll that…stress will have on the stomach of any person.”

Indeed, several studies have shown that ugly divorces can harm children’s physical health, even in the long-term. One 1993 study reported that family conflicts are “strongly related to illness later in life, as well as with mortality.” A handful of subsequent studies confirmed that kids from broken homes tend to have shorter lifespans (although no studies have proven causation). Other research has established links between ugly divorces, psychological stress, and immune deficiencies, suggesting that kids who spend their childhoods in family court may be more susceptible to disease later in life. Recently, a surprisingly robust study managed to demonstrate that kids from broken homes are more likely to catch colds, even into adulthood.

“Any kind of anxiety caused by divorce or separation can and will affect a child’s physical health,” explains Kathryn Smerling, an Upper East Side psychotherapist focused on family therapy. “It can cause frequent colds, sore throat, psoriasis, stomach aches, inability to fall asleep, eating disorders, it runs the gamut.” She notes that these ailments don’t simply resolve with age and experience. In fact, failing to resolve childhood issues can lead to more physiological issues later in life. “This can lead to IBS, insomnia, depression, anxiety, and other manifestations of something out of balance,” Smerling warns.

Mayra Mendez, a psychotherapist at Providence Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center in Santa Monica notes that stress is mostly a harmless part of our everyday lives, but chronic, intense stress is a different animal. “When stress is experienced chronically, without relief or reprieve, it begins to have negative repercussions upon health,” she explains. “Chronic stress negatively impacts resiliency factors in the body increasing the risk for autoimmune illness, digestive problems, sleep disturbance, hormonal shifts and imbalances, and viral infections. Chronic stress may lead to long-term physical and mental health challenges including heightened risk for depression, anxiety, and emotional dysregulation.”

Naturally, it’s not the ugly divorce that causes illness but the chronic stress that children are exposed to when their parents volley them between custody battles and passive-aggressive weekends. The hallmark study on the subject of how chronic childhood stress impacts health, the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, concluded that stress can cause flare-ups in chronic conditions like asthma and diabetes. It can also kick off new diseases such as obesity, hypertension, and susceptibility to infection. Perhaps it’s not surprising that researchers would find adults who experienced ugly divorces as kids are more likely to catch colds.

That’s not to say every kid who suffers through a tragic divorce is going to get sick. Jarret Patton, a private practice physician in Reading, Pennsylvania, says that some children draw strength from early adversity. “The effects of chronic stress aren’t always bad,” he says. “Resilience can also develop strongly in many of these children. It is this resilience that builds strong leadership potential into adulthood by having risk tolerance, diverse communication skills and the perspective of the big picture.”

For her part, Moore credits later success as an attorney, in part, to facing those very challenges as a child. “This childhood experience gave me that real life experience most lawyers don’t have,” she says. “I have passion and enthusiasm that you don’t acquire from law study and passing the bar.”

Obviously, no parent wants their kids to succeed in spite of their mairital adversity. Fortunately, studies suggest that there’s a way to mitigate some of the harms of a divorce so that children suffer from the least possible chronic stress—remaining on good speaking terms with your ex. “Studies have shown that children of divorced parents that are amicable and present little friction are healthier and have less emotional scarring than those who have been through a chaotic divorce in which they inevitability are at the center” Smerling says. “A ping pong match is never easy for a child.” Moore puts it bluntly: “Parents need to get their shit together and stop using their children as chattel and pawns in the battle against one another.”

This is not always possible. A parent fleeing an abusive marriage, for instance, wouldn’t want to remain on speaking terms with a dangerous ex. Still, there are ways to help a child adjust. “Make sure that you don’t talk about the other parent behind their back,” Smerling says. “Support the child and leave your personal vendettas to your own therapist.” Mendez adds that simply being present and acting as a good role model can do wonders. “Attend to your children and participate in all aspects of their life,” she says. “And be mindful of modeling positive and effective stress management.”

Moore agrees. “Don’t use the children as a pawn to get back at the other for whatever wrong you are feeling,” she says. “Go get counseling, take on a hobby, do whatever you can to eliminate using your child as a weapon or as a pawn in the courts. The laws don’t allow for children to have a voice in most states until they are well approaching adulthood and, by that time, the damage has already been done.”

Source: https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/ugly-divorce-child-health/

10 Pieces Of Really Bad Divorce Advice

gabriel@mylegalassistants.com (Gabriel Morales) — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 00:00:00 GMT

1. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

I’ve never liked this phrase. What it is basically saying is, don’t take time to grieve, just jump into something else to put a Band-Aid on your broken heart. Even worse, jump into casual sex so you can feel empty and even more sad. The thing is, I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to be a saint, and I do think new relationships take our minds off stressful and scary problems we have in life, but I think people need time to process what happened before jumping into a relationship. There is no timeframe, it is different for everyone. But for the most part, you don’t get over someone in a divorce by becoming involved with someone else. And regarding the casual sex, there is no worse way to lower already very low self-esteem, (which is low due to the fact that you are going through a divorce).

2. Wait at least a year before dating after divorce.
After what I just said in point #1, it might appear that I am contradicting myself. Here’s why I’m not. Most people going through a divorce have been unhappy and felt alone/lonely for a long, long time. In other words, they didn’t just wake up and decide to get divorced. The problems most likely began years earlier. So, what are some reasons people date? For companionship, friendship, fun… and isn’t that perfect for someone in this situation? Should a person sit home alone and think about the divorce until the one-year mark? Definitely not. If they choose to do so that is completely understandable. But no one should tell someone how long to wait before dating after divorce.

3. Don’t let your ex-wife (or ex-husband) into your home.
Not only is this driving home the point that you are bitter and angry and resentful and childish, but you are greatly affecting your children if you shut the door to your new place on your ex. Don’t you think your kids want to show the other parent where they are sleeping? (Especially young kids.) I think it’s really really sick to let your bitterness and hatred affect the kids in this way. It says a lot about a person.

4. Don’t date until you are officially divorced.
People who judge others for dating before their divorce papers are signed are ridiculous. They are usually married (have not gone through a divorce) so they don’t understand that every case is different. Some people separate because they want to try being apart. Some people separate and feel like they are already divorced at that point. The only thing I would suggest is being honest when dating, and telling someone you are not technically divorced.

5. Act like you aren’t interested and it will make a guy more attracted to you.
This might be good advice if you are in middle school, but games don’t work in dating after divorce or when older. I find that most people over 40 appreciate honesty and authenticity. I also find that if the situation is right, and you act interested in someone, he or she will actually be more interested in you.

6. Don’t ever get married again.
This divorce advice almost always comes from married people who have never gone through a divorce, who also say, “If I ever got divorced, I’d never get married again.” To which I reply, “Every married person says that.” Also, I think some people who give this advice are unhappily married and wish they were you. I truly believe in happy endings and fairytales, and if you are the type of person who enjoyed marriage and monogamy, then I say go for it, but only if the situation and the person feels right. No fooling yourself this time!

7. Move on and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
People going through a divorce need time to process and grieve and accept and heal. Part of that is having a few pity parties. You are fully entitled. Be angry that it happened to you. Be devastated. Be really upset. You can even play the victim (but only for a short time.) Feeling sorry for yourself is part of the grieving process in divorce, and if you go through that, you will start to be able to move on. Moving on is a lot easier said than done. There are certain aspects of my divorce that I just recently realized after 9 years that I hadn’t moved on from until recently. Moving on is different for everyone. When you do it is up to you.

8. Anger is for losers.
This was the title of a blog post I wrote a long time ago. I completely disagree with myself. Over the years I have grown and realized that anger is actually healthy. It’s OK to be completely pissed off by what happened. Feel it. This way you can accept and be at peace with it. Just don’t hold onto it for too long. At some point, it needs to be let go.

9. You’re not getting any younger, you need to meet someone and you need to treat it like a full time job.
The only part about this divorce advice that is accurate is the first part. I’m aging. Yikes. But why does a person who is dating after divorce need to meet someone? We don’t. Finding love again should be looked at as a blissful gift that might have been unexpected and is certainly appreciated. But do we NEED to meet someone? Nope. This is a time in life to enjoy. If that includes falling in love and getting married again, great. If not, that should be OK too.

10. Happy endings are only for movies.
Bullshit. I’ve seen enough real people who got divorced and are now really, really happy. It didn’t happen overnight, and the people probably really worked on themselves and made good decisions, didn’t rush into things. But fairytales are alive and well. Believe that. If you want it, you can have it too.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/10-pieces-of-really-bad-divorce-advice_us_57c6ccbce4b07addc40ff6...